In my million and one attempts to create a successful business I’ve let many things go, but I never in my life felt the way I did recently.
We’ve all been there, you know. That moment when enough is enough.
The moment when you are absolutely DONE with suffering for your dream. The crying, praying, wishing, hoping, doing; at some point you either get it or you don’t. In this case you don’t. Nothing has changed. And finally, feeling betrayed, you decide to break it off with your dream. You QUIT!
No one is harder on me than myself. With this business I’ve built there’s an ebb and flow with money. Sometimes I get what I need, sometimes I get more, sometimes I don’t get anything at all. I gave myself a deadline, in which I had to generate a certain amount of money by or else move on to something more stable and “secure”…like a job…which I hate.
That deadline recently passed and I had not achieved the goal I set out for myself, after all of the work I put in.
There was a moment where I took a hard look at what was in front of me, and the money just wasn’t there. I no longer felt the satisfaction I had once felt. And so I prayed on it, meditated, asked for guidance, cried, you name it. It felt like nothing was working. I had to ask myself, is this it?
I gave it a few more days past my deadline, hoping for a sign or miracle; anything to keep me going. And nothing. So one night I absolutely had it. In my rage I spent time destroying some of the things I had built. I was heartbroken and it was almost like I needed revenge. I had been betrayed by my dream, and this time it didn’t just feel like a failure, it felt like the end of me.
I was broken. I cried myself to sleep. The next day I woke up hungover from pain and completely devoid of a plan B. There was no plan B for me; my dream had been my everything. My dream had become the reason to wake up every morning and keep going. Now what was going to get me up? I felt like I had nothing left.
I was too tired to think. I felt so numb and incomplete. When I had even the slightest bit of energy, I tried to list the “what’s next”? And came up empty-handed. I had no idea what to do. As the days passed, the pain and rage subsided. I started to feel remorse for what I had done. In a way I felt like I had betrayed my dream by giving up on it, by destroying pieces of it. I prayed for a solution; for a new dream, but there was none.
Slowly but surely I regained my strength after the battle I thought I had lost. What was left of my dream kept calling me back, slowly and gently, begging me to return to her arms. And I did.
I asked my dream for forgiveness and also forgave myself for the chaos and destruction I had caused. In this new light I realized that just like a forest fire, there had to be destruction in order for there to be renewal.
I felt renewed once again; subdued but stronger. The battle I thought I lost was actually a victory. I had passed the test the Universe prepared for me.
You see, I can’t live without my dream. I don’t think any of us can. Some of us are better at hiding and quieting it than others. My dream is like the slow rumble of thunder inside, just getting louder and louder when it gets ignored. I don’t know what your journey is but I have a feeling that the closer you are to fulfilling it, the more challenges and tests you have to face.
Decide now what your dream is worth to you (EVERYTHING!). Rest if you must but don’t you quit! Or actually, quit if you have to. Take a break, a leave. Be done with her for a while. And then when you hear her song again, and have regained your strength, seek her out and give her a big hug. Trust me, she won’t let you down.